My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
