my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Randomize
