Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
