For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
