im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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