No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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