Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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