I think im going to throw up on grandma
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
