Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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