Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
