my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
