I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
