So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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