On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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