If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
