no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
