my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
