My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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