you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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