Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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