I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
