fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...
A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
