Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
