i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
