Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
