I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
