i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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