That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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