He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
