Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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