I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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