doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
