The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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