I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
