If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
