Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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