final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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