Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
