you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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