My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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