I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
