hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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