I got chris browned last night
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
