I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
