Don't make out with my wife yet
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
