On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
