god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Quick, to the slutcave!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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