so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
