Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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