she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
