Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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