ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
